Fevers and Mirrors
by Caitlynnn
Summary: During a movie night with Eli a certain scene plays and it sparks a broken memory for Fiona Coyne. Her inner demons remind her of what happened those nights with Bobby. But she tries to forget. But sometimes your inner demons are a lot stronger...


**I thought about this after reading something. And I feel like it's important to get into the mind of an actual victim. Annie made a tumblr and I told her how much I respected Fiona and she answered me through private message. It really made my day. And honestly, I've always loved Fiona. Since she first began on Degrassi in like season nine? She was just so bitchy and cold and that's why I liked her. She was just really misunderstood. I understand. And after the Bobby storyline only made me completely relate to her. And the fact that Eli and Fiona are like best friends did it for me. It means so much to me. Two of my favourite characters… yeah. So much love and respect. **

**This is based on some personal experience. I only write what I know. So don't be mean, please. I've been trying to write something for weeks. Ha. **

**Reviews are cool.**

**I do not own Degrassi. If I did, there would be TONS of Eliona. Just saying… **

"You're a pig," Fiona kicked Eli's foot. "At least take your shoes off!" Fiona squealed, and Eli laughed.

"Oink," He said with a straight face as he took off his shoes. "Seriously Fiona," He assured her, putting them by the door. "No need to worry," He patter her head and she rolled her eyes. "Goldsworthy," She sighed as she un-paused the movie. They continued watching for a while.

"Oh shit." Eli commented, cringing a little. "What the hell are we watching?" He said, mostly to himself. But he looked over at Fiona and she was looking down at her hands. "What's wrong?" He asked his best friend, moving closer. She looked up at Eli and shrugged. "I don't know." Beneath those eyes of hers, she thought of a dark time in her life. And it hurt her because all of a sudden her whole body was starting to hurt.

Eli had no idea.

"_Get off you fucking idiot!" _The actress on the screen screamed, punching the man that was abusing her on the screen. Eli slowly turned his head towards her. Fiona wasn't even there anymore. She was somewhere else….

_**Flashback. **_

Fist the stomach, fist to face, fingers in her privates, hands groping her breast. Fiona was a play doll, and Bobby was her owner. He really did own her. Fiona was nothing to him.

Fist to side, fist to breast, fist to face, fist to face, fist to face. Fist hurting Fiona. She was absolutely nothing. She was nothing but a play doll. No one saved her, no one believed her. The only sanity she has is Declan. But even Declan can't save her.

Fingers going in and out of her, mouth on her breasts, and making her feel dirtier than coins. She is nothing but a play doll. He dresses her up, and tells her to be his nurse cause he's sick and he's twisted. The root of all-evil. He just likes to mess with her. He laughs because he thinks its funny. It's not funny. She's hurting all over, what's happening to her? Fuck fuck fuck she's losing her grip on reality. She can't. She escapes and finds a happy place, one where no one knows who Fiona Coyne is. She imagines girls here, a lot of them. But she wonders why she dreams of girls and not boys. Wait; there is nothing wrong with admiring girls. But why does she want a girl so badly? She craves the attention of them so badly.

Bobby brings her back to reality by kissing her, and lusting after her. She can't help but play along. She can't push him off. He gives her the devil grin and she wants to escape.

He asks for the I love you. She tells him shallowly. She doesn't mean it. She hates him after all. Can't fucking handle that son of a bastard. God, he's hurting her body. It's so fucking sore. Her breasts hurt, and her vagina feels like its forever going to be throbbing. Is this normal?

Why is he hurting her so much? Did he get love as a child? Did he get any attention? Did his mom not love him enough? Was his father not there for him? Was he left to be broken?

Are people born broken?

"Nothing happened!" She tells everyone who asks about her scars. "He did it to me!" To another crowd. She's such a contradiction, but she wants so badly to be heard. No one can see her hurt behind her broken salty tears. They scream to be heard, longing to be heard. But no one listens.

So today is like every other day, her shirt is stripped; he kisses with his fists… a fist to her stomach, fist to her eyes, fists to her back, a fist everywhere. He fucking loves her so much, he tells her. But is this love? Its nothing but a battle cry… he needs her he breathes her, but he fucks her and he fucks any other girl he can lay hands on. But is Bobby the hero in all this? Cause if Bobby didn't give Fiona love… who would? No one. And Fiona doesn't want to be alone. She doesn't want to be alone her whole life. Who really does, though?

As Bobby flips her over and tells her he loves her she's gone. Fiona Coyne has completely lost herself. She was just trying to be nice and be a good girlfriend, but she can't fucking stand him. She hates him with everything in her. And slowly her heart becomes bitter, and she loves no one. Not even her family. The love was taken from her tonight as he plunges into her, soaking her up, because he can do that to her after all. He owns her. And she's nothing but a toy to him. He's like a child. He gets something new and he uses it for a while, and then he sticks it in his closet and then gets a new and better thing. But unfortunately…. Fiona is his favourite toy every. Because after he gets tired he pulls her out and uses her even more. She's tattered at the seams, and some limbs are broken off. She used to be pretty, used to work right. But she is a toy after all. She can't do anything but obey.

She's broken, and used. But she endures this because she really doesn't want to be alone. But love isn't supposed to be this way. Love is supposed to hurt, but not like this. Because this type of love is pure torture. And maybe everyone has it all wrong and this really is love. Fiona doesn't know. She can't care anymore. She just goes with it now. Because the cycle is played over, and over again. And it's monotonous. Nothing seems to ever change.

Fiona was abused. Bobby wrecked Fiona and left her broken.

_**Now. **_

The tears formulate in her eyes and she tries to hide them as she puts a hand on her chest. She looks over at Eli who is staring at her. He isn't sure what just happened in Fiona's mind. But she shakes her head trying so hard to brush it off.

Fiona being abused was a dark time in her life, she still has the scars, and the memories never really go away. She doesn't want to admit it, but she was not only abused, but also sexually abused. She filled his needs when he asked. She just didn't want to make him mad.

And Fiona wants to tell Eli but she's afraid that he'll abuse her too. Unless you've been a victim, you wouldn't understand what victims of sexual abuse go through. Its one of the most terrifying things. It makes you feel gross after, like you'll never ever be clean. Sometimes when Fiona is in the shower, she'll scrub her breasts a little more because they always feel groped, or they always seem to hurt. She hates that feeling. She wakes up and looks in the mirror and she just fucking hates herself for it. And the way she dealt was with through drinking. Because the pain made her forget.

Being drunk is fun, you feel like you're apart of something bigger… better. Like for once the world is on your side, and you don't have to worry about the world, like its not weighing on your shoulders. Fiona didn't have to think about her pain. She didn't have to remember what it felt like. Holly J. would never understand because she wasn't there. She didn't go through it.

But as Eli looks at Fiona with worry in his eyes, she sighs. "His name was Bobby." She shakes her head. "And he hurt me."

That's all she's going to say tonight. Because she just isn't ready. She wonders when she will be. But for now, they change the channel and watch something else.

Eli doesn't say anything. He doesn't understand, but he just goes with it.

And Fiona shakes her head at herself. She really wants to tell him, but she's just afraid. Her inner demons are at a war with her. Sometimes she feels like they're going to win. Maybe they will. Maybe they won't.

She doesn't know yet.

She probably won't ever will.

But hey, she's making progress….

Right?

**Short. I know. I'm sorry for grammar mistakes. It's two in the morning as I write this. I'm lazy. Haha. **

**Review?**


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